The Ten Types of Craft Beer Drinkers
Oliver Gray of LiteratureAndLibation.com gives us, “distilled from the hot mash of beer culture,” the ten archetypal craft beer drinkers. Gray describes himself as a mix between “The Appraiser,” a person who loves pretty much everything he tastes, “even beers that could potentially be toxic or cause a severe allergic reaction,” and “The Comparer,” a person “who’s on a mission to compile a mental database of every beer ever,” an obsession that makes him tough to hang out with.
Gray’s funniest category is “The Critic,” and we’ve seen our share of them in online beer forums. The Critic is “a roiling mess of negativity, who despite having downed some of the best beer in existence, cannot seem to say anything good about any beers. His rampant criticism of anything and everything beer related makes the people around him wonder if he actually likes beer at all, or if he just really likes to talk about how much he doesn’t like beer.” The Critic has tried more beers than people who say the love craft beer, but “no one has ever seen him actually enjoying a beer. The day he does, the universe might implode.”
What if Beer Were Marketed Like iPads?
In this ad Carlsberg Group, the makers of Sommersby Cider, pokes fun at how Apple Corporation markets its products:
The Friday Mash (Robbie Burns Edition)
Today is the birthday of Scottish poet Robert Burns. It is the traditional day to honor him with a Burns supper, which typically includes haggis, Scotch whisky, and the recitation of Burns’ poetry, and closes with a chorus of Auld Lang Syne.
And now…The Mash!
We begin in Rosemont, Illinois, where America’s fourth Hofbrauhaus had a soft opening in the city’s new entertainment district. The other HB locations are Las Vegas, Pittsburgh, and Newport, Kentucky.
The Canadian humor magazine Bite has created a zodiac-like infographic, “What Your Beer Style Says About You.” (Hat tip: Jay Brooks.)
Two cheers for the three-tier system. According to the New America Foundation’s Barry Lynn, distributors are protecting craft beer from the dominance of the nation’s brewing duopoly–at least for now.
Why is beer more likely to go skunky in clear bottles? It’s because light reacts with hop alpha acids to produce a compound similar to one found in a skunk’s defense spray.
On Tuesday Harpoon Brewing, the nation’s eighth-largest craft brewer, will open a $3.5 million beer hall in Boston. It’s located just blocks from Boston Beer Company’s Jamaica Plain facility.
If you haven’t been able to get limited-release beers, Today.com’s Jim Galligan offers tips from the pros. For starters, you should cultivate a relationship with a good beer store in your area.
Finally, Matt Austin, a grad student at Cardiff University, found some interesting parallels between the way Vikings drank in mead halls and the way today’s British college athletes drink.
Funniest Beer Description Ever?
A Stan Hiernymous blog post contained one of the funniest beer descriptions we’ve seen. John Mallett, the production manager at Bell’s Beer, observed that craft beer drinkers’ tastes have evolved so much that aromas once considered offensive have become desirable. Case in point, Bell’s Hopslam:
“I’m going to have a beer that we make 4,000 barrels of, one time a year. It flies off the shelf at damn near $20 a six-pack, and you know what it smells like? It smells like your cat ate your weed and then pissed in the Christmas tree.”
Try to top that.
Increase Your Word Power
Benjamin Franklin, who was known to enjoy an adult beverage, compiled a list of some 200 synonyms for “drunk”. We’d readily recognize some of these words and phrases, such as “addled” and “pissed.” Others, however, have long since become passe. When was the last time you heard a hungover friend admit he “has taken Hippocrates’ grand elixir”?
Pro Tip: Keg Tapping Edition
Mayor George Heartwell of Grand Rapids, Michigan, explains what not to do during the ceremonial keg-tapping at Oktoberfest:
The End of the World As We Know It
Stevens Point Brewery’s epic commercial mocking the supposed end of the world predicted by the Mayan calendar:
Cows Go on a Beer Run
In Boxford, Massachusetts, a herd of cows crashed a backyard party and polished off the human guests’ beer. Feel free to supply your own puns:
A Budweiser Tap Takeover!
Ludwig couldn’t believe his eyes when he read the email. Ashley’s, a beer bar in Ann Arbor, Michigan, will host a Budweiser tap takeover starting at 6:00 this evening. There will also be a special 8pm tapping of a keg of vintage Budweiser (”born on” 1997); and, outside Ashley’s, a petting zoo with dogs, frogs, and penguins, and Clydesdale horses to give rides around the block.
After carefully re-reading the email, Ludwig is convinced that Ashley’s is pulling an April Fool’s joke. The photo of the A-B InBev representative was a dead giveaway.
The Friday Mash (Dr. Seuss Edition)
On this day in 1904, Theodor Seuss Geisel, better known as Dr. Seuss, was born. His imagination gave us characters like the Cat in the Hat, Horton the Elephant, and The Grinch Who Stole Christmas. To honor the good doctor, Ludwig suggests a dinner of green eggs and ham. With a glass of ale, of course.
And now….The Mash!
We begin in Denver, where J. Wilson, the Iowa man who lived on a diet of doppelbock last year during Lent, was named Beerdrinker of the Year at Wynkoop Brewing Company.
It’s the first Friday of the month, so it’s time for The Session. Matt Robinson, who blogs at Hoosier Beer Geek, hosts the discussion titled What Makes Local Beer Better?. Feel free to join in.
Job fair alert: New Zealand’s Boundary Road Brewery is looking for 500 “beer intellectuals” to evaluate its new IPA. Applicants must be at least 18 and and demonstrate “a sound knowledge of beer.”
Not only have traditional ales made a comeback, but traditional pub games like darts, skittles, and dominoes are returning to British pubs.
This was bound to happen: a reality show featuring a brewers’ competition. “The Next Great American Brewer” is produced by Main Gate Visuals, which also worked on the “Top Chef” and “Project Runway” series.
Calling Sam Calagione. Construction workers in Ecuador discovered a tomb, dating to pre-Inca days, which contained a previously unknown species of yeast used to brew chicha.
Finally, in Germany, a waiter identified only as “Martin D.” spilled five glasses of beer on the back on Chancellor Angela Merkel. Fortunately, Merkel was a good sport about it.